I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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