Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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