Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
