I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
As shirtless as possible
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
