Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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