My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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