he puts the penis in happiness.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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