We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
