i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
