there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I love having hate sex.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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