I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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