You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
