He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
