1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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