god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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