I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
