I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
