And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize