the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
