we have pet lesbian snakes
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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