Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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