Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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