Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
