nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
