hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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