Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
