i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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