I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize