they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
