I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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