My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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