I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
