Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
