She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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