Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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