I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
