bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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