Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
