this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
