i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
