One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
