Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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