Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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