This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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