Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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