sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
