fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
