im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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