The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
