When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Panties = found
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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