just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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