@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
