Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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