I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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