It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
