i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
