I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
