Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
